I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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