My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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