Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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