Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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