Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
