So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
