so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
