We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
