I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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