His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
