3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
