its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
