Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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