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That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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