oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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