9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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