Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
