Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
