Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
