New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize