The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
