go do what you do best...puke behind churches
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
