Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
