I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
