How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
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