Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
