vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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