I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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