my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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