my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
