when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
