It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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