Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
