I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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