I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
