quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
