Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
