This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
