College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
