I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
