okay pat passed out under dana's car
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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