My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
