I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
