there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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