Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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