just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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