Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
