I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I want a musical about memes.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
