Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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