He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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