My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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