apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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