i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
