Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
