tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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