I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
