1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize