What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
