I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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