Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
