i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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