i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize