she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
