he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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