Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
